| Sunday, October 31, 2004 |
|
I have to admit I thought long and hard before deciding to write this piece. You know what they say about not airing dirty linen. But I felt that I had to say this because I actually do hope that you will read this someday. I needed to say the things that I wanted to say to your face, but didn't, for fear of making a scene. It was afterall, supposed to be a happy occasion.
You presume to know me. I scarcely think that you do. Do you know why I've made the choices in life that I've made? Have you bothered to listen to my beliefs, my likes, my dislikes, or the principles that I live by? No. You've only been concerned with imposing your views and insisting that you are right.
You say that I lack respect. I don't deny. Because I lack respect for you. Only you, mind you. And you sense that, don't you. It irks you, doesn't it? Because for once in your life, you realise that someone isn't going to take you word for word, and you realise that someone actually can't be scared into putting her tail between her legs. And you aren't in control anymore. I was born as your niece. The respect flowed naturally as a result of this relationship. But no one ever said that respect can't be lost.
I lost it when I saw you upset my auntie, the woman that has stood by you throughout your drunken stupors and barbaric tantrums. I won't presume to know how the dynamics of your relationship work, because I think my auntie must love you very much to have stuck by you for so long. tolerated you for so long. I lost my respect for you when I saw you force your only son to do what YOU wanted him to do. You forced him to take the path that he has taken, and you were blind to his unhappiness. You nearly caused him to lose the person that he loves so dearly. You are blind to her sweet nature and kindness. You only want what's best for yourself. I lost my respect for you when you blatantly disregarded my friends and the people that I cared about. You were hostile towards them and you simply made no effort. NOOOOooo Of course you weren't obliged to. Not at ALL! I was not expecting that from you. But when you actually turned around and asked for our passports so that you could buy YOUR beer. Well, let's just say that I thought that there was a more decent human being in you.
You've always been biased towards me. I've known it since young. There's no need to make a show out of it. I already know. And lo and behold. I don't really care. You asked me to work hard for myself, and you so graciously informed me beforehand that you will not be there for me. I don't NEED you to be there for me. You HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE FOR ME BEFORE. Don't pretend that you are going to stop all of a sudden. I don't need you there, in fact I don't really think I want you to be there at all. Lest you embarrass me with your drunken tantrums once again. And I probably will not be there. Not unless I absolutely have to. Not at any of your birthdays, not at your house gatherings, not at your wake.
I will remain polite perhaps. I will do the necessary greetings. Just to show you that I am and can be respectful. But beyond that, I will cease to recognise you as my relative. Call me vindictive, call me spiteful. But you were the one who drew first blood. Congratulations. If its one thing you've taught me, its how to hate. I'm not even a person who bears grudges because I forget too easily. But this one, I'll remember for life. The only regret I'll have now is the energy wasted in hating, because I'm well aware that it takes more energy to hate than to love. Oh, don't worry, I'll just sleep more.
Have a nice life. I hope you don't succeed in making more people hate you. Especially if they were the ones who've loved you before. I suspect that will hurt the most.
~mei~ |
| posted by 3 @ 9:26 PM |
|
|
|
| Wednesday, October 27, 2004 |
|
an epiphany of sorts. i don't quite know what to call it. looking through the old photos of us three, it wasn't just the physical changes. it wasn't just the short to long long to short hair; weight gained or weight lost... it was something more. innocence lost perhaps. eyes no longer filled with that wide-eyed wonder, a little less carefree, a little...older?
its weird how two short years have resulted in such subtle yet strangely apparent changes. yet i still feel like i'm in the middle of nowhere, neither here nor there. this is beginning to feel like a certain britney spears' song, but no, i refuse to lapse into song and dance. the point is, i don't know what the point is. i just needed to say something because i felt something. but i can't quite put it into words.
as i dressed up for trial yesterday and walked around in the cbd, it felt so real. but more importantly, i think i felt ready. i guess all that i'm trying to say is that looking at the old photos next to the new made me feel that we've closed the previous chapters of our lives and have moved on all in one way or another.
whatever the point of the entry is, i'm just glad that we're all happy! :)
~mei~ |
| posted by 3 @ 11:32 PM |
|
|
|
| Tuesday, October 26, 2004 |
|
car shopping is a challenge. especially if u're on a $7000 budget. nvm the fact that the cars in hawaii are surprisingly cheap and that there are thousands of used cars to choose from, its the he says she says that makes life difficult. i want a comfortable interior. something that works as a whole ( good air con, good radio system and nice comfy chairs). something that is practical and u'll feel safe in. something that gives a smooth ride, nothing bumpy, nothing noisy. something that has a low mileage for a used car ( about 50000 miles if its a 1999 ) and that doesn't eat up gas (about 24- 30 miles per gallon). it doesn't have to look fantastic but at least, look decent. he, on the other hand, wants a '99 eclipse. its this red car that looks really really chic. but its broken down and it costs $7900. its shitty inside, smashed up lights, no radio system and the ac doesn't work.. but NOOOOOooooooooOOOO.. he wants it anyway because it looks gangsta and it has style. and that car is manual and it makes noises!! and when u turn, its loose and it feels like its gonna break down anytime. so we walk up and down the many car dealerships, looking for something that the both of us can agreee on. but of course, we found none.
nat |
| posted by 3 @ 7:19 AM |
|
|
|
| Friday, October 22, 2004 |
|
hello jamie... this is for you.. these aren't my pictures, i'm stole them from my friends but its better than nothing lah huh.. i'll take more pictures over the weekend okay..that is if i can find me a digital camera somewhere somehow.
but....welcome to hawaii!!
this is one of the less popular beaches around the corner. yes its true. the waters are clean and very clear. and yes its also true, the sand's powdery nice.
sunset in waikiki. this is how it really looks like everyday.
this is part of my school. its nothing fantastic. very casual. the left side is where all the little coffee shops are at. and the right side is where all the classes are at. small university. about 8000 students. and its usually very very crowded. but the only nice thing about it is, there are at least 160 different nationalities in that lil community.
this was taken at a block party. see that nat smile, its my nat when she's high and happy smile. to the left is bindu, my friend from nepal. and to the right, its joanne. my fellow techno loving malaysian friend. without her, i would never go to a trance club and my life would be very very sad.
we were in Bindu's house and she was cooking dinner for us because i was sick. that's thomas behind. incidentally, bindu absolutely adores thomas and they say they're siblings and whenever i'm naughty at the club, she tells him!!... #$%@^@&*@????
and this... is my babyboy!!!! without a doubt, thats my favouriest boy in the whole wide world. he looks better in real life. nevertheless, i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him. suck it up, boo. and i look like i have a big white head here. i was sick in that picture, leave me alone. shooooooooooo.!!!
nat
|
| posted by 3 @ 5:33 PM |
|
|
|
|
|
check out hpu's intercultural gimmick. and this picture is everywhere!!! i don't know all of them and all i know is that my role in that picture was to portray the hawaiian mixed pan asian girl.
nat |
| posted by 3 @ 5:13 PM |
|
|
|
|
|
now i know why people say apes and human beings are very alike.
i remember being nice and polite and reserved when i first met thomas. i smiled a little. i blushed and giggled alot. i was always careful with what i say and was very cautious of my actions. but a year later and everything comes out. i scratch his scalp so as to pick out dandruffs. squeeze out his blackheads with my fingers. he'll burst my pimples and use his fingers to pick out leftover food in my teeth. we're actually very very animalistic.
remember mei, u blogged about this once and i was like eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..... now look who's talking..
nat |
| posted by 3 @ 5:01 PM |
|
|
|
| Thursday, October 21, 2004 |
|
If I feel off tomorrow would you still love me?
If I didn't smell so good would you still hug me?
If I got locked up and sentenced to a quarter century,
Could I count on you to be there to support me mentally?
If I went back to a hoopty from a Benz, would you poof and disappear like
some of my friends?
If I was hit and I was hurt would you be by my side?
If it was time to put in work would you be down to ride?
I'd get out and peel a nigga cap and chill and drive
I'm asking questions to find out how you feel inside
If I ain't rap 'cause I flipped burgers at Burger King
would you be ashamed to tell your friends you feelin' me?
And in bed if I used to my tongue, would you like that?
If I wrote you a love letter would you write back?
Now we can have a lil' drink you know a nightcap
And we could go do what you like, I know you like that
nat |
| posted by 3 @ 6:30 PM |
|
|
|
|
|
i thought of you today. and i suddenly missed you so much.
but having u in my life has become such a distant memory. when i saw u the last time, i took a good look at you and i was amazed at how empty i felt. you were once my life. your presence made my heart ache and my stomach flipped. your voice calmed me down and seeing you the next day was the most exciting thing. i spoke to u everynight. i saw u everyday. we had lunch together all the time. u were always there. even when i didn't see you, i was msging you. u were always always there. i never got bored of you. and no matter how other people perceived you, u were always special to me. because nobody else saw that kindness and innocence, u were so halmless, so misunderstood.
but i didn't mean as much to you. and 8 months later, u found someone better. my world crashed. i was sad. for a very very long time. i thought i wouldn't go on because i placed so much hope in you. i looked to you for everything and suddenly, u were gone. maybe i wasted so much time, maybe it meant nothing to you all along. these answers i'll probably never find. but soon, i forgot about you. about everything. i made myself forget. about the times i spent with you because then, if i was so displacable, u had to be for me too. u promised me you wouldn't hurt me again. time after time, u forgot about that promise. and soon, u threw everything u promised me away. once again,everything was nothing but broken promises.
for a long time, i kept u out of my mind. i didn't think about u because i feared the hurt that will come back again. and soon, i just erased you. our times together. every single day for that period of time. gone. the sight of you angered me. i just hated you so much. for the lies, the broken promises, for taking me out for a swim and then leaving me there, with no safety nets.
but i want to remember. u were and will always be a part of my life. because u taught me so much and u were my emotional support for the longest time. i can't seem to recollect anything. nothing seems to matter anymore, nothing has any weight in my life. and it stinks as i know we did share something but nothing comes into mind anymore. its like u were never part of my life at all. like it was all a make believe dream. a dream that i used to have but then suddenly, i woke up and cannot remember what it was anymore.
so was it even real? were u ever close to me?? did u even feel the slightest bit??
i want to know. because till now, there's a lil bit of me that still uncertain. i was so sure of what was going on then but then u never answered me. u just apologized. but apologizes ain't what i'm looking for, i want answers, i want certainties, i want explanations. i just want to know. what happened? what happened to something that i thought was so real? was it just a fragment of my imagination??
i know you'll probably never read this. and i know you'll probably never answer my questions. but i hope you will. somehow...
so please, please let him know. let him know that i just need answers to the questions he never answered me. its been more than 2 years and i think its about time i filled up that hole. i already have someone in my life, someone that i love very very dearly. i'm just tired of feeling sour when i think about the past and its not like i have to face him again. so why not?
nat
|
| posted by 3 @ 5:38 PM |
|
|
|
| Tuesday, October 19, 2004 |
|
we reach a certain vantage point where the futile existence of our feelings seem to overide it all. and try as u may to make them disintegrate, every conviction of which you seem to give credence just makes that one and only thing that matters seem clearer - that you love her. and i know the cracks of all our resolves surface ever so fleetingly yet alarmingly succint. and as you hurtle deeper into the abyss of which one may never find closure, gravity just loses its take. and u wait. and u hurt.
i know it hurts to thread upon uncertainties, i know u pain to see her so broken.
but know that it will pass. know that it will be okay. know that as far as this goes, in time to come they wouldnt seem to matter as much anymore. just as much as i dont subscribe to the notions of forevermores in happy times, i dont believe in forevermores in depressing times either. cheer up.
i hope u feel better soon, you know who u are.
and sandra blogged something about how it all doesnt seem to matter later. and the truth of those words just seem even more so as you grow older and see everything in a larger perspective. though we pretty much wouldnt have turned out the way we did if certain things didnt happen, but the very being of things doesnt really matter cos we all grow, we all fall, and we all shrug it off give it a tug and say move on. but when u reach the boundaries of its substantiality ull realise that everything is the same thing over. that we really haven't learnt much. and we'll still be experiencing the heartaches and heartbreaks. i dont think it ends, we just grow more accustomed to it so that it'll feel like it will somehow come to an end. a lil wiser, but a lil more jaded as well.
despite all these though, i am happy now. in a way i havent thought i could be for a long time now.
and you know why.
~eLi~
"could it be this, could it be bliss. could it be all that i ever had missed.
could it be true. can life be new. could it be all that i ever am..is in you." - switchfoot
|
| posted by 3 @ 4:53 PM |
|
|
|
| Sunday, October 17, 2004 |
|
If you're around me a lot, you'll notice that I can't stand still or walk properly most of them time. I always have to bounce or hop or sway from side to side.
yesterday, while i was at kelvin's place, i had to do my best to stifle my laughter as i saw my big burly boyfriend sway from side to side as he was walking to get a packet of tim tams from the kitchen counter.
couples really do morph into each other after a while. haha
Mei |
| posted by 3 @ 4:20 PM |
|
|
|
| Friday, October 15, 2004 |
|
i received 3 smses today.
the first one read:
Shiek Haikal & Cheryl Fox got caught for cocaine abuse.
2nd one:
Her bf's the dealer and he's on trial now and i think they're are going to hang him.
3rd one:
But its so unfair because she looks so beautiful in the newspaper..
........?????????????????
guess who sent them???..zhang zhang zhang....my father. he sends me inaccurate information across the ocean. no hello nat how u doing? do u have enough money?? are u still fat??Instead, he decides to send me useless rubbishish info, which costs $0.15 each. and he has the biggest crush on glenda chong and cheryl fox. there was this one time, he made me sign up for this Walkathon for disable children. all because he wanted to go there and take a peek at glenda chong..
now u know why i grew up and became the way i am. and it also explains the horrible taste i have in men too.
nat |
| posted by 3 @ 7:39 AM |
|
|
|
| Thursday, October 14, 2004 |
|
I cant believe that although i finished the whole season of the O.C eons ago, ive never gushed about Samaire Armstrong (affectionately known as Anna) until i saw the oc advert. last night (channel 5 is so way behind time) and it struck me again. she is SO pretty and smart and quirky and so totally hotter than Summer. Stupid Seth Cohen!! and when she left in episode 21 (i think) i was so sad!! she is 1 girl i'd gladly turn lesbian for. seriously.
eli
 |
| posted by 3 @ 1:11 PM |
|
|
|
| Tuesday, October 12, 2004 |
|
and mei tay shaung... this is not considered a complain okay?!?!?! shoooooo... i'm just not used to it all happenin again, thats all. no direct attack whatsoever... go away... don't even say anything.. i can read your evil mind and nasty thoughts from here and i can already sniff out the stark comments.. so shoooo... its not what u think!!!shoooo shoooo shooooooooOOOOoooooo!!!
but u know i still love u... *muacks*
nat |
| posted by 3 @ 6:10 PM |
|
|
|
|
|
its like craving for your favourite chocolate for a whole day but u just don't have the time and money to get it. so u wait and wait and wait somemore.. until u finally save enough cash and find the time to buy it and u decide to spoil yourself. not one not two but countless numbers. chocolates after chocolates after chocolates. its your favourite thing. it makes u happy. how can too much be harmful???? so, u keep stuffing your face. and then, u get sick. so sick because u had too much sugar. so sick because it has become overpowering. too much.. too damn much. suddenly, u wished u hadn't been sooooo greedy and didn't buy that many. suddenly, u wished that u didn't have that craving in the very first place.
i think love is like chocolates to me.
nat |
| posted by 3 @ 5:57 PM |
|
|
|
| Monday, October 11, 2004 |
|
" could you let down your hair,be transparent for awhile, just a little while, to see if ure human after all. Honesty is a hard attribute to find, and we all want to seem like we've got it all figured out. let me be the first to say that i dont have a clue. i dont have all the answers. and cannot pretend like i do. just trying to find my way. trying to find my way the best that i know how."
trying - Lifehouse.
rainy days and mondays. GAH.
eli. |
| posted by 3 @ 7:57 PM |
|
|
|
| Saturday, October 09, 2004 |
|
and oh, did i mention that he has a very sexy voice too??
nat |
| posted by 3 @ 10:02 PM |
|
|
|
|
|
quote of the day:
".... its the feminine attributes that is the better of mankind and its existence creates butterflies and rainbows"
i was at my friend's house and we were having a couple of beers and this statement he made seems to stay with me. we were talking about the empowerment of women and all that and he commented that females can climb the ladders of society but they should continue to maintain and nurture their feminine mannerisms cause adopting the masculine nature would just create a harsher, brutal and uncaring society. interesting... maybe its the beer but it seemed to make sense to me.
and... hello Jamie!!! i learnt about the melbourne shuffle today and i was wondering whether u know how to do it. can u teach me??
and there's this boy in my accounting class. he looks alot like amj. maybe not look but the say. the amj in his younger days, not like the recent muscular one. he has the same big smile, the same eyes and even the same thick eyebrows. and he dresses like amj too!!! simple shirts that make statements and jeans and taopok shoes. i think he's red indian.. or native indian, one of those. and he's not handsome but somehow, i find him very very attractive. everytime we need to use our textbooks, he'll slide his chair behind me and share my book... wah, steam steam steam.. and the last time, he failed his test, he got a D+.. i wanted to pat him on the back and go... awwwww, i can help u. but then i got a B-, so its not that i'm even close to greatness. BUT, i skipped school today because i was stuck at the immigration office for hours. so i missed my accounts class. BUT i bumped into him in the computer lab and i managed to snuggle up to him and ask him about what happened in class...and mind you, he was in formal wear. long black sleeves and pants, the only thing was that he had spoiler tao pok shoes...but still very hot. weeeeeeeeeeee!!!! steam steam steam... i think we're fated! me and indian boys.. native indian, red indian, normal singaporean indians, black indians... whatever... i got accounting class on monday!!! and somebody's gonna be happy!! *hint hint*... me me me!! but i don't even know his name!
nat |
| posted by 3 @ 9:47 PM |
|
|
|
| Tuesday, October 05, 2004 |
|
its one of em days again, where everything screws up and you generally feel shitty shitty shitty so thank goodness for the existence of people to cry and rant to because i'm so sick sick sick sick sickkkk of it all.
sick of people making promises breaking promises leaving me high and dry forced to make changes call me naive but i thought that words like, "friendship" "trust" "promise" "dependability" were in your goddamned vocabulary well apparently not. no need to be sorry because i don't need sorries from people who don't know how to be sincerely sorry
sicksicksickkk of people who tell me "i'd do it for you too" but know that they wouldn't do a freaking thing for anybody but themselves but were just saying that so that you'd do whatever they wanted you to do for, oh guess who, THEM. and the reason why you did it for them is not because you expect them to reciprocate but because friendship comes with doing things that you might not necessarily like
i'm sicksicksick of constantly making the wrong choices in life knowing that maybe it will be a bad move but ignoring my instincts entirely and basing my decisions on faith. yes yes wrong choices are an integral part of life and we learn and we pick ourselves up and we move on but i can grouse can't i? as a matter of fact, in fact, i'm screaming and yelling, much much more than just grousing because I'M SOOOOOOO SICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK yes yes yes let me yell because i'm a big horrible scary bitch who's YEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLINGGGGGGGGGG her head off.
and now that i'm done, i've moved on.
~mei~ |
| posted by 3 @ 11:32 PM |
|
|
|
|
|
the world's my stage and i'm just doing the catwalk.
nat |
| posted by 3 @ 5:00 PM |
|
|
|
| Monday, October 04, 2004 |
|
snorkelling yesterdae was amazing. well, i expected alot more. like colourful fishes and bright corals but we went to this part of the ocean called "Turtles Coves". This is where the turtles hide and sleep so most parts of the reefs were brown. but if u look hard enough, u'll see dozens of huge ass turtles sleeping. and sometimes, they would pop up onto the surface and say wassup. i got a chance to swim beside one huge ass turtle. it swam fast man and it was really graceful under water. making twirls and gliding around... it was really pretty. there were also many black dory looking fishes. swimming in between a school of fishes can be really exciting. i hope i'll be able to save enough money soon and the next time, i wanna go check out the dolphins. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....
nat
|
| posted by 3 @ 6:40 AM |
|
|
|
|
|
just to tell you natalie paul, that we're still alive and kicking dont worry.
but we re not all this relaxed most of the time. =(
im feeling the stress creepin up on me by the day, too much work too little time.
i have 4 assignments, 1 term paper proposal and 2 class presentations due within the next 2 weeks,
all i have time for lately has been school and training, the other maybe 10% im catchin up on my sleep.
i hate bein in this stupid race, and bein stuck in this silly rut. bein in nus just zombiefies you.
the other day at coco latte, we saw this bride havin her hen's party, we asked how old she was and she said 24,
and had this -yes i know im really young but oh well im gettin married tmr- look. and for the last 10minutes of her single life, she went up to poledance and she was really hot. but thats besides the point.
mei asked if we ll be like that when we get married next time.
i dont know how ill be like the day before i get married in the very distant future, will i get cold feet?
how do u abandon all that singlehood sass and spunk in a night, only to be seen as half of a whole entity the next morning.
will you ever come to terms with who you have or are going to become? .
oh well. a couple of 'i love you's' will make up for that, we'd like to believe.
you win some you lose some, i always say.
eLi. |
| posted by 3 @ 1:38 AM |
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Previous Posts |
|
| Archives |
|
|
| Powered by |
 |
|
