All good things come in threes.
triquetra.threemusketeers.2for1bargains.trilogies.
threeblindmice.triathelons.muffins.goldilocksandthethreebears.charmed.triangle.
three-toed-sloths.triplets.orion-belt.mahjong-dice.
NAT-MEI-ELI.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
i cut my hair!! I cut my hair!!! its so exhilarating to finally chop off my long hair into this short bob! Its like psychological liberation! I feel like a fashionista! except that i had this same hair when I was in secondary one. Only difference is that now, I know how to use a hair straightener and apply wax onto my puffy hair but other than that, it looks very much like my old old old hair. i must have been very fashion forward then when i was 13... now that i'm almost 10 years older, its funny how it comes back full circle and i have a similar haircut!
thomas is turning 26 on monday and i have no idea what to do. How can a hopeless romantic like myself be hopelessly unromantic when its time for me to be romantic??
The first two years of his birthday, we didn't do anything except stay in his barracks and watch TV because I am a boring and uncreative girlfriend and because he was confined and limited to the boundaries of his camp. So we were stuck. Lucky me. I think we ended up going to a fun fair on base but I don't think it was on his birthday. it might have been after his actual date. See!! It was that insignificant!!! Last year, I was at Disney and all I gave him were balloons that I blew up in the luggage room. Free balloons that we give out to kids every time they walked by!!And even I didn't think of blowing up the balloons, someone told me to do it 5 minutes before he arrived and he had to sit outside for about another 15 minutes waiting for me to finish blowing them up. yeap,as illustrated below, all he got for his 25th birthday were a bunch of balloons sponsored by disney.
unlike myself, thomas has always made an effort to make my birthday special in one way or another. for the first year, he brought me out and drove me around the island and we ended up eating KFC with his bunch of friends and this whole group of friends ended up singing me a song at the parking lot. then he got drunk at my house and i had to carry him in a cab and paid $40 to get him home. in 2004, he picked me up 3 hours after our supposed meeting time (then, we were still in love so I never yelled at him) and he took me out for a thai dinner and had my friends come over to cut my cheesecake factory cake. In 2005, he cooked and planned a party for me at another friend's house and i ended up crying because i didn't want to spend my 21st birthday with his friends and none of my friends showed up. so in the end, we went out clubbing, after eating, and got freaking wasted and woke up at 5.30am the next morning to go to work. and finally, last year, he came home at 10pm with balloons and a cake. even though i spent the first 20 hours of my birthday by myself, it was pretty nice of him to even attempt to try something nice for me.
so this year, i want to attempt to do something. something nicer than usual. considering that i am unemployed and relatively broke. I am thinking of resorting to affordable and inexpensive methods of expressing my love to him. I thought of baking him a cake. which should be quite special. only problem is i tried making jelly one time and it was completely rotten. so i'm questioning my cake baking skills. i was thinking of getting his balloons. and this time round, i will pay for them (thank you very much!!) but then, it'll seem like a repeat of last year. I was thinking of doing a pinic but he has to work that day and because it is 2 days before the event, I can only assume that he will not give me the time or the day to chill our instead of doing any promotions. So how now, brown cow??? I really really dunno what to do!! I'm thinking of throwing him a party but, we have the problem of getting people to come. We are quite anti-social and don't really have any real important friends so inviting his fair weathered friends is not only a waste of my time because i have to clean up after them but also a waste of my money because half of them probably wouldn't show.
I want to be sweet!!! I honestly, truly, whole heartedly, deeply, utterly, from the bottom of my heart... really want to be sweet! But i'm not very good at this. The last time I did something nice for a guy I liked was to blow up my whole month's allowance on this bloody pink bear which i thought would remind him of me when he goes to sleep, only to have him forget my birthday the very same year. so you see, I am a traumatized birthday giver. I have zero originality and have no talent at this.
I need help. No i seriously need help. Any inexpensive yet thoughtful yet sweet loving girlfriend type of help..
i'm not all for the waiting and the countless interviews and the very fact that I am broke because i don't have a job yet. but i love job hunting. the thrill of finding something that i might like and the possibilities are endless. i feel like a kid in a candy store and with the ability to fantasize about my future job prospectives. One day, I can become a wedding planner. So i apply for the position as a wedding planner and go for an interview. Another day, I want to work in a spa. So i apply for a supervisory position at mandara spa at the hilton hotel and i have my second interview. some days, i just chill at home and focus on promoting the parties.
the perks of having two degrees is that people think that you're an organizational freak with the ability to do well in a structured and high pressured environment. hahaha.. get real please, this is hawaii! I was never really pressured except when I stress myself out. But i did work at it though!! =)
yet.. i'm still unemployed! what is this.... !
i think that if i was not broke right now. i would be 100% complete and happy.
plus now that thomas works at a salad place in the day, we get free nutritious salads or soups everyday!!!
as if it isnt' tiring enough at work, people just like to make things even tougher. i've had enough of your dramatics and lying and ass kissing mate. seriously. have more foresight will you? i hate it when i'm wrong about people because I think that they are nice and sincere and I have to find out the hard way that they aren't.
Play your game, my conscience is clear, you just do what you need to do and i'll do what I need to do.
ever since my last distressed post, i've been getting alot of e-mails and msn chats and one liners asking me whether i'm feeling better and if things have improved. thank you very much for all your concern from old friends, to newer ones and even to people that i don't know very well except for your names. I really appreciate your kindness and concerns.
i swear that writing that entry was not to gain pity. neither was it to seek attention or create any drama. 3dumblondes is a medium of communication. I don't know who reads it and I know that half of the people who do, don't really know me that well. hence, it doesn't really matter to me. more often than not, i run out of words to say and i get tired of talking to the same person.. aka thomas. so i blog. and i write and i vent out my inner frustrations and triumphs. i pretty much share a part of my life story in a toned down fashion and if you're someone close, you'll know how much drama i can stock up everyday. but this, is my way of relaxing and translating whatever i can to whoever reads it. so please, if i'm feeling yikky today, don't fret. cause i will feel better tomorrow. if not, i'll just whine, pout and sulk about it and feel better the next day.
the breakdown was an accumulation of everything. not being employed when i was promised a job. leaving my family and friends sooner than expected. enjoying my little stay in australia, sipping strange teas in their array of stylish cafes to being transported back to hawaii and drinking ice venti passion tea in starbucks! i know i made the decision to come back. but i've realized that i made it in haste. just like how i chose my university, my internships and friends. everything is done in a super fast pace with me and sometimes, i fail to carefully sit down and think about it. ask me any question and you'll most likely get a "i dunno" from me. cause really, i don't. but when i do, i get it done quickly.
to make things worse, its a huge battle between thomas and his ex partner, patrick. the nightclub promotion industry is really quite shockingly cut throat. and this is surprising because the people who live in hawaii are very much all about the ohana (family) and all about helping each other and love and being all happy in paradise. they always say, since i've stepped into hawaii, never cross anyone's path because it will bite you back in the ass tenfold. hawaii's very very small. and the people and contacts are all interlinked and crossed in every fashion possible. so its easy to make it here and break if you step on the wrong toes. its been a huge collision of forces between thomas and patrick. which is a lesson learn for me. but all in all, i think i just got tired of the drama, which coincidentally lead to that little breakdown because i didn't return for any of this.
and i must add that i was reading lolita and that made things a little more depressing.but i'm done with my lolita and i'm reading Sophie kinsella with such breeze its not even funny.
so to end things in a nice and friendly fashion. i've youtubed again and found the music videos of my two favorite songs....
1. You Make Me Better - Fabolous feat. Ne-yo
"I'm a movement by myself but i'm a force when we're together Mami I'm good all by myself but baby, you make me better you makeeeee mee betterrrrrrrrr.." =)
our $125 flyer.. Looks nice. Very velvetish.. but it doesn't really promote the lingerie show. but oh well. its classy and its been approved. one less thing to worry about..
The more I look at it.. The more in love i am with it... yeah, its nice..=)
i was uploading pictures to thomas's photobucket account when i found this shot. this was taken on my graduation day and after the graduation party at lotus. very memorable.
physically, i haven't been feeling very well of late.
I know that i might be sick. ever since i've been back, i've been pretty weak and i cough dramatically a couple times a day and usually when i'm resting or just feeling good. Its as though i've swallowed my saliva in the wrong path and it makes me cough and choke and it goes on for a good 10 minutes with me usually ending up in tears. and to make things worse, i can't go see a doctor because i don't have insurance and neither can i afford a doctor without insurance as well. and it peaked last night when thomas and i went out. we went out clubbing and i sort of knew something was wrong with me because i was feeling very tired even though i've been sleeping for a long time in the day and after drinking a jager bomb shot, i felt horrible and sick, like something was not right inside me. but i hung on and we went home at around 3ish. at 7 in the morning, i was still up and my knees were hurting very badly. soon, my shins and thigh muscles were cramping up and i was literally in alot of pain. i used to have cramps when i was doing cross country (remember mei??) but that was like 4 years ago and i'm clearly not working out as much as i used to. so it was weird. i woke thomas up and he was trying to help me out by giving me some pills that were prescribed to him for his ankles. I took them and within 15 minutes, my body started to shake and my mouth started chattering as if i was high on E but worse. My body became cold and i couldn't stop shaking and i was literally freaking out but couldn't speak because my mouth kept shaking so much. Thomas was freaking out but being very sleepy and 3/4 drunk, he couldn't respond as much as well. So he wrapped me in my blanket and just told me to breathe and relax and try to control my shaking. he thought i was having a spasm but it probably was a baby one because i wasn't foaming or anything dramatic. but we both were very much freaked out by the whole incident. eventually, i managed to stop shaking and drifted off to sleep. I lost myself when i was drifting to sleep and i remember not being able to feel the rest of my body as i was drifting off. i know it sounds so dramatic but i swear that i'm not making this up, thomas can be my witness cause he kept repeating that he was going to call for an ambulance but i kept signaling him not to because neither of us had insurance and we couldn't afford it. initially, i didn't think that it was that important or dangerous. i didn't think that it was life shattering. but when i lost control and started shaking from my teeth to my toes, i knew something was wrong but still, there wasn't much that we could do at that point but hope and pray. i remembered that i was drifting off and told thomas to wake me up every few hours just to be sure but i made my prayers, made a mental note to tell my granny to help me out if she needs to, hug my pillow and slept off.
i didn't wake up till 5 in the evening and when i woke up, i was still tired. i felt very weak and just sad that somehow, i managed to get myself into this situation where i wasn't able to help myself even if i was in danger. it slowly led me to think about my life and the people i've gotten involved with. that if i might have passed away, i wonder whether i would have left anything important behind and what would my friends and family think about anything that i've done. it would take at least 2 days for my parents to get to hawaii and even so, what would they find out. my friends and family are so used to me being away all the time that i wonder whether it would really impact them if i left. and for anyone who has been away for a long time, you would understand that with time away from home, you've changed and when you do return home, things are no longer the same and you no longer fit in. i don't fit in anymore and i know that. but at the very same time, neither do i fit in here in hawaii. I've spent so much of my time by myself or with thomas that i've neglected the importance of making real and solid friendships, the kind that would be there when you're in trouble and not just random social butterflies who are just useful to get into clubs for free. i met thomas 2 weeks after i moved to hawaii and he's pretty much been very involved with my whole hawaiian journey. but at the same time, i still feel very alone and bored for most parts. I was a good student and graduated with honors because all i did was go to school and come straight home. i didn't socialize with meaningful people and i didn't make the effort as well. So strange how spending 4 years of my life here can still leave me feeling so alone. and now that i look back, i've spent my saddest moments here. but yet, i don't want to go home. i don't fit in here and neither do i fit in back home. so where does that leave me? I really don't know.
i dreamt about alfian in my sleep. I dreamt that he was laughing at me and telling me that i've made some really bad decisions but its okay cause he's still my friend. I still do think about alfian pretty often. I guess its because i didn't get a chance to say goodbye. but in some sense, i feel consoled because i know that the last time i met up with him turned out to be a good one. I'm glad that i was honest with him and told him the things that he needed to know and the things that were good enough for closure to a sore friendship that was strained for years. But it ended up nicely and i do think of him. more often than i think of my grandma or my aunt. I must be honest, i don't think of chow that much simply because i didn't have that close of a relationship with him. chow was my cross country teammate, he made me laugh alot, he jacked me all the time which made me laugh alot but that was about all the relationship was. with alfian, he was a solid friend for a good period of time and thats why i miss him. sometimes, i think that i feel his presence in my house. when he passed, i felt his presence but i brushed it aside because i told myself that alfian's spirit can't possibly fly all the way to hawaii. when mei and i visited him at his graveside, i felt like while we were talking, he was right there jacking us. but still, i do think about him and i remember writing about this before.
i don't really know what my point is in all of this ramblings. I don't know who reads this but i can assure you that i'm not crazy neither am i just being dramatic. two weeks ago, i was diagnosed as "clinically depressed" by mei shuang because i cried for 6 days in a row and wouldn't stop. maybe then i might have been crazy but i know that i'm not really at that stage anymore. I'm just a little shaken by what happened this morning and it has just made me question myself a little deeper.
went to the hospital to get my pre-employment drug test and had my car keys and phone stolen. was really flustered at the time it happened but eventually, i guessed that it did work out for the better. during pee tests, you're not supposed to bring your bag into the bathroom with you in fear that you might alter the results. so being the obedient girl that i am, i left it outside with the nurse. only to find that my keys and phone were missing. went back and forth and back and forth only to realize that someone did go inside thomas's car. the good thing is that thomas's car is this raggedy piece of shit and the window on the passenger side doesn't close. and because its sooooo bad, you can just start the car, shift the gear and take off. you need to do something else before you can move but obviously the people didn't know that but they were in the car, moved some shit around and stole my event proposals. oh well.. on a brighter note, I was going to get a new phone anyway but because i'm broke, i got a new cheap samsung phone....
i didn't go to lotus today for the first time that i'm free and available. When i was in australia, i figured out that even though i really like this whole events planning thing, working with my boyfriend in the club with his ex partner who is a slimy bastard with his slutty trampish girlfriend isn't the best thing for my soul. thomas and his partner decided to go their separate ways due to their very different work ethics. but they decided that they will continue running their thursday nights at lotus as separate entities. which is cool with me but before i left, when things were pretty much okay, i was like their door bitch/cashier/financial controller. but now that things are separated, I figured that i wasn't going to take anyone's shit cause i know they would want me to work and do this and stand outside and pass out flyers. so we decided that because i have a foul mouth and have a huge tendency to tell someone off, especially if i don't like them, that i should just stay home. a little sore but oh well, what to do when you cannot make up your mind.
anyway, i watched this on tv yesterday. quite interesting. we all know that paris hilton is in jail.. oh by the way, the court ordered her out and want another hearing, how very interesting to be rich and white and famous. but anyway, this comedian slammed her in her face...something nice for a change. maybe i'm just feeling evil.. its all the bad karma clouding up around me.. =(
I'm back in Hawaii. Confused as ever. Confused about my current situation aka being jobless, confused as to how i even became confused and just plain sad that i had to leave sydney for this.
I've always liked Sydney even though i've been there twice and didn't do much. But I just love being around my brother and his girlfriend of 10 years because (a) they love each other so much , (b) they have the life that i aspire, (c) I actually look up to my brother alot and like hanging out with him and finally, (d) Sydney's very nice.
Paul warned me before I left that Australians are quite racist. Something that i wasn't very wary about. So I hopped over and opened my eyes and realized that maybe they are. Especially to Asians. Maybe because we're populating their country like rabbits but then again, they took over the country from someone else. so I don't really understand the logic. I realized and throughly discussed this with my brother's girlfriend that Australians tend to love making life difficult for others in the most unrealistic fashion. For example, I cannot change money with the money changer if I wanted to make ONE phone call, I have to buy a $10 phone card if I want to make a call or say I can't have my $3 in coins.. ?????
all in all, i'm back here, even though my jetstar flight got cancelled twice and I was stranded at the airport. but i'm here now.
